What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come because you want your own way… James 4:1 (hybrid of NASB and MSG)
A great friend and I were talking the other day. Matt is from Denver and I’m in California. We talk weekly. Typically we start the conversation with, “So, how’s your week been?”
It seems we both were struggling with a similar issue in the week prior: that lack of common ground that results in conversations going sideways–whether it be you and your spouse, or with a friend or co-worker–I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
Typically it starts off with thinking or saying to the other person some form of, “You’ve got a problem you need to fix.” This is followed with, “I’ve got a solution for you to try.”
Depending on your relationship dynamic this may work…sort of.
For me, with Lea Ann, it doesn’t work because this type of approach sets up a “Me vs. You” dynamic which is the polar opposite of common ground.
When I look at this verse where it asks a question (What is the source?) and provides the answer (You want your own way) it suggests another possibility into how I might approach sideways leaning conversations.
“I’ve got a problem.” is more powerful than “You’ve got a problem.”
Oh, they may have a problem–but you have a problem too! Be it impatience, insecurity (that leads you to power up), the need to control or protect (so you use either the Mom voice or the Dad voice with your spouse) — the truth is you’ve got issues too.
When you lead with “I’ve got a problem” you create common ground and it’s no longer me vs. you, it’s US!
Jesus tells us it’s wise to consider the log in our own eye before we consider the speck in another. (Matthew 7:3-5)
Finding common ground builds bridges, encourages collaboration, and paves a better path; the way of a love that is patient, kind, and forgiving. It is like water to a thirsty, dying plant.
Give this a try next time things start going sideways.
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Prayer for the Week
I can’t dodge this one God, I would much rather point out the flaws in others than take a good look at my side of the street. I’m tired of setting conversations up to fail because I’m critical, afraid to own my side of the street or ever consider I have a part in the sideways slide – in any event I want to find common ground with my spouse even though there is so much water under the bridge. Maybe I’m coming back to You for the first time. Jesus I need You!