[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg?rel=0&controls=0&showinfo=0]
If it’s not about the nail then what is it? I mean, if it’s not about fixing what is it?
Most of us have trouble with this don’t we? This kind of stuff can wreck a good day. And we point the finger at the other person as needing to get their act together.
I’m slowly learning that the goal of communication is not to get my point across, show that I am right or to win an argument. If it’s not about the nail then it’s about mutual understanding.
But most of us are not interested in understanding others, for me and for many, it’s about the nail; i.e. getting my point across, showing I’m right, or winning. These lead us to four negative communication patterns.
Withdraw and Avoid Withdrawal is an unwillingness to stick with often difficult discussions. Avoidance is choosing not to talk about it.
Escalate You got it. Talking over, yelling, sarcasm, name-calling. Anger? Yep. Anger escalates and can feed into withdrawal and avoidance for others.
Negatively Interpret happens when you “assign a motive that is more negative than is really the case.” Growing up, just asking a question was a interpreted as “talking back.”
Invalidate “occurs when you directly or indirectly dismiss, minimize or put down the thoughts, feelings or character of others.”
adapted from the re|engage Participant Guide
There is a better way.
- Stay engaged in the conversation
- Call a “time out” if it gets too heated
- Believe the best in others
- Respect other’s opinions
Put the hammer away, it’s not about winning.
What do you need to work on this week?